Conundrums

The two weeks I spent locked down tight in the Schandemask has got me a little bewildered. Let me explain. I’m still sorting out the feelings I’m having, so I apologize if I ramble.

Those two weeks of (relative) suffering brought me back to an earlier time in my chastity adventure. Back to before werks. Back to when the cages were frequently uncomfortable. Back to when I was almost constantly aware I was locked, and I realize that I miss that. Yes, it was sometimes a bit too painful. Sitting the wrong way would send a jolt through me. But in a way, I miss that too. Perhaps it’s the masochist in me, but I miss the pain of being locked. The pain that reminds you of who and what you are. The pain you have to power through. I’m not talking about pain from wounds some of these cages caused (that’s bad pain), but the pain that puts you in your place. The pain the fucks with your mind. The pain that wakes you up at 3 am and makes you take a piss to relieve it. This was even more apparent when I was allowed back into the Anatomic cage.

The Anatomic fits like a glove. It should, it was designed for me. Multiple measurements and 3D printed models and a lot of back and forth resulted in a device that perfectly fits the contents it surrounds. It’s like slipping into well worn and perfectly broken in boots. It feels so amazing and, to be honest, except for the occasional pressurization or if I bump into something, I often forget the device is there. Also, it looks like my cock, which up until recently wasn’t an issue in my head.

Let me be clear, I love the Anatomic cage. It’s the cage I thought I would spend the rest of my days in. But something Sir M said a while back has been rooting around in my brain and is affecting my perceptions more and more. He said I don’t have a cock, I have a metal piss tube and that the flesh underneath is no longer my concern. When I look down at the Anatomic, I see a cock. A metal one, but still a cock, and that’s bothering me somewhat. Sir thinks it’s a beautiful device and has no issues that I know of with it, but his words are just worming their way into my mind more and more. It is a beautiful device, and I’m ecstatic to be able to wear it, but…

I think the reason I was drawn recently to the tightly curved Tiffany is that it is a compromise between the two. It fits very nicely, but it doesn’t look like a cock, it looks like a metal piss tube. It’s not as comfortable as the Anatomic, but it doesn’t cause pain either. It’s different. The tight curve in the tube holds the contents in a position that is not where they normally sit, unlike the Anatomic, so there is a reminder of my locked status. Besides, I love the sleekness of it. I think it’s sexy.

Ultimately, I’m fortunate to have several options from @steelwerksextreme. I realize that. Not everyone is as fortunate. And ultimately, I’m locked in what I’m told to be locked in. I suppose we could add some punishment spikes to the cage, though I find them esthetically unpleasing given the sleekness of my devices, and the schandemask hardly needs them (though that would certainly up the ante when I’m placed in it. Hmmm…, oh Chris…).

I waffle between wanting to have the most comfortable experience so that I never feel a desire to unlock and a tougher ride to test my mettle and commitment. I just don’t know how I feel right now. Is being locked and denied enough for me still, or am I desiring a more masochistic experience? Maybe it’s just nostalgia for an earlier time in my journey? I really am conflicted. It’s a conundrum.

-Doc